Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Client List, Starring Jennifer Love Hewitt's Boobs

Hello. My name is Annie and I am a Lifetime movie addict. I have no problem admitting this publically. Yes, it’s true that after hours of watching LMN my fear of being raped, mugged, haunted by ghosts, and cheated on by charming husbands exponentially heightens. But I just can’t resist the allure of subpar acting and drama! It literally takes less than two minutes into a Lifetime movie for me to be hooked. I have to know how it ends – who gets raped? Does her husband leave her? Will the ghost of her aborted child kill her after all? Too many questions to just turn away.

The recent release of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s “The Client List” had me all sorts of excited for weeks! The combination of JLH's poor acting and huge tatas is absolutely worthy of discussion. Let's start with the fact that my movie premiere night was almost ruined by the penis party that ensued in my home Monday evening. It's virtually impossible to convince any straight male to willingly spend two hours watching female dramas. But this was an easy sell. Alls I had to say was "Jennifer Love Hewitt. Prostitute Mom." And just like that, they were sold. Premiere movie night will go on. Spoiler Alert! Here's a recap of the best Lifetime movie ever to exist.

The basic gist of this based-on-a-true-story flick focused on prostitution taking over a middle of no-where, small Texas town. I'm talking about your typical pro-gun, pro-family, anti-abortion, god-fearing Texas town. Enter JLH - loving mother of two (or three? it's hard to remember how many kids she had when the camera man explicitly zoomed in on her boobies every time they had a "family moment"), former beauty pageant winning gal who always dreamed for more. Unfortunately for her, she got knocked up at a young age and married her quarterback high school boyfriend. A friend told her she was smart for having babies early...sigh, if only I had thought to get pregnant at 16...I'd be a rich prostitute by now.

Naturally, it turned out high school football isn't a career. Injured and uneducated, her husband leaves JLH and her brood of children broke and facing foreclosure on their home. She tried pushin the girls up and out of that blouse to woo their banker into a loan extension, but alas it wasn't enough. Perhaps getting a job would help the stay at home mom? Apparently, the ONLY job opening was in the next town over at a massage parlor called Kind Touch Med Spa. This wasn't enough to tip JLH off to what was going on in this establishment. Nor were the keypad locks on every single door. Or the red lights flashing above rooms in use. Or the unlicensed massage therapists lounging around in lingerie in the break room. Oh wasn't until she got a peek into a two-way mirror that our innocent mom realized what they were asking her to do. Fast forward a couple scenes involving her freak out, go through internal moral debates, and dealing with her unemployed drunk ass husband - she accepts the job and becomes the #1 hooker that town has ever seen!

Did I mention she's border line autistic? She apparently has impeccable memory and can remember every detail from every conversation. She brings clients their favorite cookies, wears their favorite outfits, ask about their wives (super turn on when you're paying a hooker for sex, I know), the whole nine yards and the men just eat it up. It's what made her the busiest masseuse at Kind Touch! But as it turns out, prostitution is exhausting. Poor JLH - on top of getting her kids to school time time, cooking dinner, and being the perfect southern wife, she also has to blow/bang my estimate of 8-12 men a day. These guys are flying in from all over the world to tap that. I suppose her husband doesn't smell the sex on her or question why she's adorned in all this new jewelry (gifts from her best clients). All he knows is - his uneducated, sexy wife is raking in the cash.

In fact, for Christmas - she buys him a Harley (how many peens does it take to buy a Harley?) Her gift in return? Mr. Quarterback hands her a box with a name tag in it - he got a job with a pest control company and will be making minimum wage to support his family. It's a start. And props to him for taking what he can get. All you need is love, right? That and an awesome pair of knockers because some how JLH pulls them out of debt and gives her family a taste of the high life. You just can't count on a man these days, unless he's paying you for sex.

Sex, more sex, more hot scenes of JLH running around in lingerie that I can't search for and post from work, and the eventual road to coke addiction. A client gives her a baggie which she offensively declined. He slips it into her purse anyway and says - just in case. At this point in the movie, she's almost driven into a truck because she can't keep her eyes open - I'm telling ya, prostitution is EXHAUSTING. One of her kids needs her to bake a cake for their bake sale the next morning and the poor girl just doesn't have the energy. Suddenly, this baggie of coke is starting to look appealing. 10 hours later, her family awakes to a tweaked out JLH and a masterpiece castle cake complete with moat and working drawbridge.

More sex montages, including her liason with the local church pastor, politicians, her friends' husbands, etc. She's losing weight, looking haggard, getting snappy with her clients who came to her to talk/cry/get off, and dropping the ball on her mom job (and blow jobs, and rim jobs, and all the other jobs she's workin). Lucky for her, the spa gets busted before her life completely falls apart. The wayward cops who took blowies for keeping their noses out are now being told by someone higher up to blow the lid off that joint. All could have ended well, but dammit JLH you left your coke out and now they're going to charge you with prostitution AND drugs. Mr. Quarterback is drinking at a bar when his wife is shown on TV in her negligee in handcuffs and thrown into the back of a cop car. Humiliated in front of the entire town's population of 100, QB husband leaves her with the kids.

Fast forward some more, JLH turns in the names of prestigious towns people as a trade-off for shorter jail time for her and her hooker friends. I can't remember how much time she spent in jail, but it only took about 2 minutes to cover in the movie, so I assume less than a month. She gets out of prison and gets herself a nice low-paying waitressing job at a local diner. QB husband has no intention of coming back - but there's kind of a happy ending (pun absolutely intended). An angry-looking mob of women show up at JLH's door, victims of her sexcapades, wives of her clients. We think she's about to get lynched for being such a whore, but instead, they welcome her with open arms and beg her to share her secrets! How did you get our husbands to love you like that? How do you give a blow job? Is it safe to take it in the butt? A few bananas and live demos later, the movie concludes.

This might be one of the best LMN movies I've ever watched. It was jam packed with sex, betrayal, terrible acting skills, and drama. It didn't end all cheesy with her husband returning with a black diamond ring for her transgressions (I'm lookin at you, Sex and the City 2). It's heightened my curiosity every time I drive by a massage place - is this where you can get a happy ending? It's also taught be a very valuable lesson - prostitution makes damn good money.


  1. Forgot the best line in the movie:

    "This is America! A girl this pretty shouldn't be poor!"

    God bless this country.

  2. Like, like, like a thousand times!